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how to set effective boundaries

by / Monday, 09 June 2014 / Published in Blog, Leadership

Hi there,

I just got back from an amazing weekend in the Bay Area, hosting my third Book Party and it was a blast!

I felt so blessed to watch as so many powerful leaders read my work out loud. People were moved to tears. It was so inspirational that I have been invited back to host another one in July in SF. Stay tuned …

When I got back to San Diego, I received a text message from a dear friend who asked for some support in setting effective boundaries with her clients without being “a bitch.”

The text message couldn’t have come at a more perfect time considering I was about to sit down and write this post about Setting Effective Limits and Boundaries.

I wanted to support her so badly, but I checked in with myself. My priorities for the next two weeks are my Rational Lies performance, The School for the New Generation Leader and (of course) self-care.

In the past, I would accommodate everyone’s requests for my time and energy. It was so hard for me to say no. Then I would feel frazzled, stressed out and too exhausted to focus on my priorities.

Have you felt this way?

You sacrifice yourself and then end up burned out and resentful.

My heart wanted to call her immediately to support her. But because of the work I had done, I had a new relationship with my own boundaries.

I realized that the best way I could support her would be to model what it looks like to set healthy limits and boundaries.

For me and so many women I’ve talked to, boundaries are our #1 challenge.

We have such a hard time setting them.
When we finally do, we feel guilty.
We wait too long and then have to put up extremely hard boundaries (like a restraining order) that causes more stress, upset and trauma.

To set healthy, effective boundaries where you honor yourself and the other person, here are the 3 steps:

1) Awareness – you first need to understand that it comes from your relationship with mom and dad

2) Dig deeper – see exactly what was happening … were you:
– seeking approval from your parents?
– rebelling against them?
– unable to be vulnerable with sharing your feelings?
– holding in your anger to let it stew instead of expressing it?
– told to be polite, wait your turn and be nice to others?
– slapped or punished for being bad instead of being talked to in a healthy way of how to make a better choice next time?

These are just a few of the things we learned as children that have us either let people walk all over us or, on the other hand, close ourselves off and create walls that hurt ourselves and others.

As children, we were sponges, our subconscious being “programmed” with all of these learnings that stay with us until we “clear it.”

3) Clear it – This is rooted in your subconscious, and will continue to undermine you no matter how much you “know” in your head that you are not good at setting boundaries. Your subconscious and your logical brain do not communicate.

It will continue to come up over and over again until you clear it.  You will continue to:
– attract clients who don’t pay you on time and want to reschedule or cancel appointments every week
– put everyone else first except yourself
– feel taken advantage of
– etc etc

I watch so many people say over and over again that they are struggling to set boundaries even though they know what to do. It’s not as easy as “just do it!” because your subconscious is constantly running the show, and “consciousness” is creating more and more opportunities for you to heal this wound that blocks you from taking care of yourself.

If you are resonating with this and want to identify the patterning that has you get walked all over you can clear it once and for all, I invite you to go a little deeper and join us for the Live Immersion.

The School for the New Generation Leader is now. open for enrollment.

If you are ready to  “unlearn” what’s blocking you in owning your self-worth, asking for what you want/need, and setting effective limits and boundaries on the subconscious level so you can step fully into your purpose on a deeper level with effortless flow, we’ve got our Live lmmersion Program starting on the weekend of June 19-21 in San Diego.

(Read about the other 2 learning patterns, self-worth and expressing your needs, on the blog)

This Live Immersion Program is for those who are ready to do the work. You are …

* tired of holding yourself back and ready to claim the truth of who you are.

* ready to step out from behind the scenes and take center stage to share your gifts with the world.

* ready to uplevel your game completely.

* ready to lead others, facilitate your tribe, and speak your truth.

If you are ready to stand firmly in your commitment to healing yourself and do the required work to really clear yourself at the root level, hit REPLY to this email and we’ll schedule a call to talk about registration for the Live Immersion Program.

Because of the high caliber of people already registered, I need to have a conversation with you to make sure it is a good fit. This is deep, transformative work and I am creating a very sacred and safe container.

If you know you are ready because you are tired of your subconscious sabotaging you and your efforts to be a successful, healthy and happy leader expressing your divine purpose in the world, please write in your email all of your availability for a call this week and I’ll get back to you to schedule our call 🙂

Love,
Tanya

PS. Stay tuned for the next lesson on the 4th Learning Pattern: Responsibility.

This is my favorite because it is all about accepting yourself, others and life in general. Everything is working out perfectly … and this is one of the keys to living in the flow.

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